Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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