Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
