i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
