My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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