So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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