exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
as a side note pls kill me
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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