There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
