dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
