I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
