Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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