i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
