My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
