if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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