There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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