and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
