yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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