Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize