I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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