My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize