So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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