She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
