My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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