she woke up with a sticky ear
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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