are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
