So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
