Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My vagina is officially offended.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
