I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
