So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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