I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
