i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
