Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize