I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
