Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
