Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize