The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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