sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
