She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
