Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
