How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize