we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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