allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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