How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
