U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
