he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
