What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
