I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
