They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
