Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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