Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
