this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
