Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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