Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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