the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
