I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
