you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
