it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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