So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
