bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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