The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
