My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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