I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
