i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Drunk walkin through police station. America
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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